I wrote this piece as a journal entry the other night after a wee bit of a melt down as I always find writing brings some clarity. I thought I’d share it with you all, although it’s a very personal piece and one that I wasn’t really sure I wanted to share. However I think there’s some gold here that may help the next time you experience something similar …. as we all do from time to time…… because, that, my friends is life. And growth. x
Well, it happened.
I finally had a melt down.
Spurred on by the nightly bedtime battles with the kids but of course, an indication of so much more.
Yes, we’ve moved to a new country (Bali, Indonesia), have commenced home schooling for the first time with numerous system issues both ends, putting both children way behind in their studies and I’m trying to work on my business, however I wasn’t quite prepared for the complete emotional break down that hit last night.
All my fears.
All my angers, past and present.
Screaming to get out.
I cried a river of tears. A river? Maybe more like a tsunami.
Feeling like an absolute failure.
Failing my children.
Failing my dreams.
Failing those that believe in me.
What am I doing?
Why am I here?
An immense frustration brought on by not moving forward. Completely in limbo right now. None of my plans or opportunities or plain hard work manifesting into anything at this moment in time. Or so it seems.
Completely out of my fricken comfort zone.
Is this it? Is this why you brought me to Bali? For nothing! To risk it all for…. Nothing?
What am I doing wrong?
I’m really not comfortable. Not in any sense.
I want to curl up on a cosy sofa, with a magazine and a warm cup of my favourite tea. But I have no cosy sofa, no warm blanket and none of my favourite teas to sooth the soul.
I do have a bathtub but the water runs out just as quickly as it fills.
My friends aren’t here. I have no one to hug and share a wine with, perhaps watching some old AbFab or Young Ones episodes to shift some energy. Humour is a brilliant healer. I can of course hug my children, which I do daily, however, it’s not quite the same as pouring your heart out to a dear friend.
Now I’m starting to almost question my sanity. My stability. Am I nuts? Am I losing it?
I try and pinpoint traits and behaviours that could perhaps use an overhaul. If I did this, if I stopped that, if I tweaked this, maybe that would solve it all.
Am I being too negative? Is my mindset in the right place to attract what I need?
Do I even say anything and share this? Would it be better to just keep portraying the strong woman I am known for? Must maintain the ‘face’. Can’t let them see me down. Can’t let them see me…. what? See what?
That I’m vulnerable along with everyone else on this planet?
That sometimes I’m brought to my knees by ridiculous triggers.
That I feel guilt for not being the perfect parent I aspire to be.
Wow! We are so hard on ourselves sometimes aren’t we?
Okay, I haven’t quite pieced it all together yet, but I do know there is a reason for my ‘melt down’.
I know something positive will now come.
How? Because these moments are gateways.
The moments when you’re on your knees, sobbing and inconsolable, they are great gifts and teachers. So long as you’re listening. They always lead somewhere.
They help you release the ‘crap’ that’s going on inside you… and we all have that! You know those voices, the ones that bring forth the fears, that question your every move…. those negative voices in the peanut gallery heckling you from behind.
What do I mean by gateway? They often allow you to step into new ideas, new opportunities and new ways of looking at things.
So sometimes you just gotta cry, you have to get on your knees and you have to ask yourself some pretty hard-hitting questions. You gotta get uncomfortable. To grow.
It’s a gateway to growth.
So whilst I could still do with that sofa and blanket, I know that this path is leading somewhere.
Sure it is as frustrating as hell to not know where it’s bloody well leading and sometimes that makes me want to scream, but I’ll sit in this space, burn some incense, light some candles, go for a walk, meditate and perhaps even take myself off for a massage.
I’ll do these rituals because I know they will ground me and allow me to breath in this uncomfortable space with grace.
They will help shift the energy, allow me to hear what it is that the Universe is trying to tell me (or scream at me by the looks of this one), and be back in the flow.
So, the next time you get hit with one of these, (because we all do!)recognise it, allow it in and then ask yourself some questions.
What are you holding in your body?
What energy are you giving out right now?
How do you want to feel?
What can I do right now to work through this gracefully?
Have your fall back rituals, whatever they are for you. Moving your body, having a bath, meditating etc.
And sweethearts’… journal!
Journaling is one of the most fabulous tools you can employ in your life to work through anything. This piece of writing is purely a journal entry. It didn’t start out as something I was thinking of publishing. I was writing to help me shift my perspective. It certainly allowed me to do that and I know it can also do that for anyone who is brave enough to try it.
So next time you find yourself on your knees ( because you will) just remember:
1) It’s a beautiful gift
2) Embrace it
3) Work with it gracefully
4) Nurture and ground yourself with the rituals that work for you
5) Write your little (big) heart out!